The Love, After Love.

“It’s never the woman’s fault” – Feminist Bible, Pg 13 Have you tried to get a girl to lead you…getting her to choose where you’d go out or what you’d do together, only to have her get more and more unhappy and ultimately leave…even though you were merely trying to please her?

You call and try convince her you’re the love of her life, you apologize profusely for everything, try to get her to see that it wasn't really your fault even beg with her to take you back, grovel for a second chance …and of course with every word you say, regardless of your intention, clearly the more and more defensive, cold and distant she becomes...

Like General Love says,“Soldier, desperate is a very bad word.”

The sad part is you’re ready to blame anyone but the man in the mirror.

You start leaving your radio off because one song makes you cry, stop paying any attention to your hunger pangs, constantly checking your email and phone to see if she called, thinking nonstop about why she REALLY left, rehearsing what you should have said or what you will say if you run into her…and spending your day massively depressed.

Is this thought helpful? Is this going to get better and better? Here’s a hint: NO!

Does she have to scream that her interest level is 10,000 feet under water before you get the drift?

I know you're ready to close your browser right now but go with me on this one, because I can’t imagine anything that can make you happier than living the rest of your life with the person you r-e-a-l-l-y love…

“If love is supposed to feel so good, how come I feel so much pain?” - A cowboy saying.

It is natural to feel angry, hurt, betrayed but understand this is not your fault! You weren't taught this in school. You weren't taught this by your parents and there is no "get your ex back" night school.

And if you're going through the awful pain of a break-up with a woman that you really didn't want to happen (or now regret happening), then you have my whole hearted sympathy. I know what you are going through because I've been there, it isn't a happy place and it isn't an exaggeration to say it feels like someone's just died.

First off remember, you can’t go back because 1. She will get rid of you (again) 2. She hasn’t changed. 3. She is going to hurt you some more. Unless you’re a glutton for punishment…get it?

Like the good doc Sigmund Freud wrote, “The past is over, in case you haven't noticed. Why do you want to torture yourself over what's finished and done? You got a problem or something?”

If you are still thinking "does my ex want to get back with me", chances are that your ex may be thinking the same thing for the same reasons. Your ex is going to miss you no matter what, because of the memories you have shared together. But there are other emotions that come into play, including her past experience. As long the communication lines are open, at some point you can ask her why the relationship fell apart, be casual about it rather than sounding aggravated, she will either admit that it was a mistake that the two of you broke up or will let you know that the break up was for the better at that moment. You can ask yourself here, what would I do differently today if I found myself in a similar position? Can I hold back from judging her and gain a full understanding first? When facing situations that are displeasing to me, to what degree am I able to take the time to think clearly about them before responding or reacting? Once you have the answers, just tell her. She may even realize that yes, you are a good person who she simply cannot afford to let go of. This is one way to let your ex notice you in a new light.

But I have an important question to ask you before carrying on…

Why do you really want to get back together with her? Is it a good decision to make? Were you and your ex really good together? Did she treat you the way you deserve to be treated? And more importantly, did she support you in your dreams?

Like Brother Love says," You’re forgettin’ that she’s probably in the arms of another brother right now. You don’t have a 24/7 cameraman chasing her all over town, do you?"

I'm not even raising the question of how she looks. You may meet a 5 ½ with a 10+ personality and have a totally loving and committed relationship with her...

Remember, a good woman is someone that you respect and like to have dinner with. If she's not even around half the time, you have a lot of silent meals ahead of you. Again, if you have a woman who supports you, it's like leaving the house wearing a newly pressed shirt. A woman who believes in your dreams will make you reach your goals that much faster because she helped you get there.

Let’s say, you been talking to her for a while and you never argued – if you do, she gets her way like that left-wing extremist Stalin used to in Russia. ( Oh, did you notice that women who are interested never seem to want to argue? ) Well, you can drop her because she is not flexible at all, or you can be run by your emotions, marry her, have three kids and every time you’re the one who picks them up till they are grown. Even better, she can remarry and sees to it your kids have a new dad who tells them what to do. Your eight years with this rigid woman can never be replaced. Now, you walk around with sad eyes.

Ask yourself, who is easier to negotiate with, a flexible giver or an inflexible taker? Remember, rigid is neither feminine nor fun...

“When she breaks up, she did everything for the uncouth, unappreciative Neanderthal. When he breaks up, the insensitive slob broke her heart” Feminist Bible, Pg 47.

“That’s the way the enemy thinks - and that too when she in a sweet, caring mood!” General Love.

You went on and confessed your 'feelings', telling her that you care about her a lot, asking her when she'll be ready to 'move things forward' and telling her that you'll wait until she's ready…you forgot that you can’t make a rose to bloom faster than it can, its completely against its nature.

You perhaps felt the sooner you “get out” all your past psychological pains, history, goals, values, aspirations, past traumas, childhood nightmares; she will be dying to become your keeper. But as my Dad said to me once, “If there is no wine left in the bottle, the party is over, my son.”

And what does she do at every chance she gets - hold you ransom to your words? Nice.

I have seen guys on the web looking for dates/love and they have their whole life history on their web sites - one even had a picture of him at 4 on a pony. Sorry, but he missed the love boat there. Being open works with shrinks, but it doesn’t work with women. It takes experiences and lots of time together to find out if a woman is loyal, honest, trustworthy, flexible and a giver. So why give her credit for things that she has not earned, just because you are in love with her?

Remember, on paper she wants a nice guy, but deep down she wants an ape. The sad part is” the nice guy” really is a nice guy.

When a woman says a guy is “nice,” she is really saying he is weak, i.e., he will do anything for her. Rather than getting appreciation, he gets…no respect. It’s really sad because he has a big heart and means well. So much for his feelings! And they say, women are the weak sex. The truth is she only cares about how much she is interested in you and not how much you are interested in her. And telling her how much you care for her is not going to work. Because for her to be in love with you, you cannot be a nice (weak) guy as her interest is based on respect, not weakness…

“Only confess to me.” – Brother Love.

Remember, the reason why she won’t feel bad after she dumps you is because she hasn’t the faintest idea what rejection feels like - “You mean it hurts?” And the reason you would feel bad if you dumped her is because you know exactly what it feels like – you’re born a man.

Next, the party girl. We all love them, but to settle with? Don’t think about it. If issues with drugs or alcohol, address them by giving her a beer for the road and saying, "hit the road, baby." This will be a real issue if you plan to have kids, and simply put, it's unacceptable. This is not to suggest that a prude or a teetotaler is better as you need a playmate - not some cook or nurse and you don’t want to marry some homely girl down the block and live unhappily ever after! But if she’s somewhere tipping the glass with other “male friends” and it ain't Sunday, she's got a problem and therefore, so do you.

She’s probably got her ex lurking around or she's got two other blokes mooning over her and she’s messaging four or five other saps like you. But you're sure she’s a regular wallflower...

Shows me how sharp you really are, my friend. This babe is playing you by the ear and you’re convinced she doesn’t play games. Like Brother Love says, “Where do you guys find these girls?”

Remember, this babe won’t be telling anybody about your relationship because she’s working both sides of the street. The good news is that you know about it, but the bad new is that you refuse to let go of her…

She keeps you at arms length and replies in neutral terms but you keep rationalizing her behavior. Even worse, you fall in love with this babe before you date her and freak out when she pays attention or goes out with other men. Nevertheless, you saw a future with her after a few phone calls. You can’t get to the first date with this girl and you’re already marrying her? Hello?

I’ll let you in on her secret. She’s not actually scared of settling down. In fact, she’s not scared of anything. Like my Uncle says, “She’s only scared of having to spend time with you, when she'd rather hang out with the rugby team!”

Why would you tell someone who says she doesn’t want to have a romantic relationship with you, that you want to have a relationship with her when she just told you she wasn’t at all interested? Like Freud once said,“Did you do it because you’re a great listener?”

I bet you knew this girl was trouble from day one. But no, you said, “This one is going to be different.” Moreover, if she says she's got “extreme” trust issues, like the old cowboy saying goes, “You were in trouble before you even got started!”

And if she keeps saying that she doesn't need guys, what is she doing slow dancing with every guy in sight at a nightclub? You were calling this inconsistent behavior getting along really well? Heck, you'd have better luck with J.Lo...


Remember, you have to start with a woman whose head is screwed on straight to begin with. Only players give out mixed signals. They like to go out to be seen by other guys, while the one who likes you wants to see you.


If I were you, I’d take heart in the fact that she and I were never actually a couple let alone physically intimate, so we never "broke up" as such. And I was just a guy she came to when she felt bored or was between men.


Wait a minute…you called back and apologized? Just think about how polite and considerate she was to you when she dumped your sorry ass.


“Their rejection shows no mercy, it’s worse than shooting the wounded” - General Love.

“If she still lives in the past, you will never have a chance with her in the future” – Brother Love

So when shakeups happen, how do you rebound and continue at a high level?

“Throw some cold water on your face, and move on.” - Feminist Bible, Pg 98.

That harsh advice is for her, not you. Let’s ask Brother Love again: “Stay loving and optimistic, but keep your eyes open with those you adore.”

Just like a major league baseball hitter who's in a woeful hitting slump hasn't really lost his talent, NEITHER HAVE YOU. He has hit .300 before and will do so again just as soon as he snaps out of his funk and figures out who the hell he is. Just b'coz things went awry with one woman does not mean you've lost your mojo. Like General Love says, "When life throws you a curve ball, hit it out of the park !"


Pull up your socks, my friend and dump your past beliefs of who you were and what you could do. I don’t know who you are but I know who you are not…you're not your past. Just that down the line you made up who you were ( like back in your college days and stopped growing or challenging of what you think you are and what is possible for you). And hey, your core self stays the same. It is not part of your persona or ego. Learn to find your center, center yourself and work from that centre. Like in martial arts, you train over and over a situation so that when it happens you respond without losing your marbles, say a street fight- you unconsciously respond.

Remember even the masters have masters above them and they too fail. But they practice and fail…to get better! One day you'll look back on this and laugh.

Therefore raise your hand and repeat after me...

“I’m going to learn things most will never know and I may fail and look dumb at times but who I am is bigger than my need to save my ego and at the end of the day I get stronger and farther down the line that most wont take as I choose to live the life I really want to live.”

Relax…and let yourself off the hook for being human!

There is harmony in everything in the universe except in human relationships. But after all, the universe is against her...

So, if you identify a woman who thinks chaos is normal and goes out of her way to create it, step back and don’t try to fix it. You won’t be able to fix it. All you will do is give her an excuse to create more chaos for herself. If a woman makes most of her chaos and you try to take it away, she’ll defend it like a lioness her young. And funny enough, negative people often justify their negative attitude by claiming to be “realistic”.

Remember, the boundary of someone who’s been hurt or threatened chronically can develop a “scar tissue” or thick walls for a boundary. This protects them in the future from stress and destructiveness. They might respond to feedback by attacking the giver of the feedback. At best, they may enter a relationship clutching themselves, what they really need to do is enter with loose boundaries. And you are not to take it personally if they choose to be angry and hostile.

“Vulnerable” is not necessarily a part, damaged. Our vulnerabilities, shadow sides and “blind spots” are nothing but parts of us starved for expression, acceptance, and validation. When we do not acknowledge them as being just as critical to who we are as our strengths, they cause us to behave in inauthentic ways. Only when we embrace these aspects of ourselves can we become fully authentic as human beings. We all have them, whether or not we are aware of them or willing to acknowledge them. Often others see them, even if we do not. These deeper layers contribute directly to our authenticity, yet by their nature they are difficult to identify unless we are brutally honest with ourselves or open to others to give us feedback about such vulnerable places.
 
Lastly remember, healing the pain of a breakup is recognizing why it happened in the first place and attracting emotionally available women who take you seriously and support you in your life goals.
 
Oh, and think of others too who lived, loved and laughed and give a little love to that man on the silver mountain.