Love, Marriage, Sex

Do you recognize that some people spend more effort picking out a car than they do choosing a mate? I've known people to spend countless hours researching all different makes and models of cars. They compare the fuel efficiency, crash test studies and customer satisfaction surveys. They might test drive up to twenty different cars to see how comfortable they feel and how they roll on different surfaces. And they don't want a car that will suffice. They want one that they will love and value for five or ten years. On the other hand, I've known of men and women who married the first second or third person they dated. While few of those marriages survive, many break up before that new car is even paid off. How can one possibly know that the person they are dating is the "right" one unless they have know a number of "wrong" ones? How do you know a car is perfect for you unless you've tested a number of different models? People are a lot more complex than automobiles and you can always trade in your car for a different one if you end up hating it. So don't use all your effort on trying to find yourself a woman who will be a good wife. Instead, spend almost all your time molding yourself into a great husband. That's the hard part. Once you are a man who will make a great husband, finding (and keeping) a wife is less difficult. The same goes for a women looking for a husband. And don’t talk about your family except in glowing, general terms. You two have plenty of time to compare dysfunctional family issues later down the road !

Some think the goal of every blessed relationship to be so open with one another that every thought, memory and past experience is shared. While in many cases that might be a terrific goal, for some it could cause irreparable damages. The mind can remember sights, smells and visions from years ago. The mind can also exorcise tormenting thoughts and flashbacks. Think back on survivors of war who after the carnage was over, took their own lives because their minds could not forget and the traumatic images would never go away. So how much of one's past life should be shared with someone you want to marry. While each situation is a little different, when it comes to previous intimate encounters, it is usually best to discuss them in general terms. Yes, you should be honest if you had sexual relationships before you married, but for the sake of the mind that does not forget, it is best to leave out the details. You will have to live with the memories of your past indiscretions but you should not make your mate live with them too. While you might be curious to know the names, places and situations of your love's prior intimate encounters, in the long run your relationship will be better off keeping that information in the past. I've known many people who have said that once they knew the specific details of their mate's sexual experiences, it took months or years before those thoughts and images no longer clouded his or her mind. In a loving relationship we don't ask our mate to share memories he or she is trying to forget and neither do we tell our mates those things that will sear unwelcome images into their mind. While God does forgive and forget the all the wrongs things we have done when we ask Him to, we have to live with our memories the rest of our lives. And if people no longer mistake you for being newlywed, ask yourself why.

Again in relationship surveys, insecurity or sex always come up as the top two reasons for discord between couples. If Yoda was here, he would have said, insecurity is weakness... insecurity leads to jealousy, jealously leads to anger… and anger leads to the DARK SIDE. Now, insecurity doesn't always lead to jealous behavior, sometimes it leads to insecure dumb ass behavior, like getting into a fight, or shooting someone. Some men enjoy fights and violence. Some women have no problem dating a man who likes to beat other men up (or beat her up). And women caterwauling at men are even more reprehensible. Personally I think that violence and hurting other people is the cavalier way to deal with things. ( I’m not thumping my chest here if I say this, but I hold a brown belt in karate and I know a cowboy reaction never helps. ) But I also know that there are a people out there that don't share my views. The point I'm trying to make is that insecurity make people do all kinds of stupid and thoughtless things. People love to say "things happen for a reason," but that's balderdash. Things happen for no good reason all the time and some people just happen to be insecure for no reason whatsoever. Maybe they inherited a doubter gene. And the instant anyone, man or woman, shows signs they are terminally insecure, run, do not walk to the next exit. It may well be your sanity you just saved.

What if your wife LIES to you about having had sex? She is perhaps trying to save you from the anxiety and save herself from having to deal with her husband acting insecure over that has and hasn't been inside her. I know there's some biology there that makes you upset to think about it. But let it go. It really, truly and actually does not matter. You will always be upset in life if you demand that some other person be "more than human". She is human. She has a past. She's had feelings about other men. She dreams about other men ( just like you go around fantasizing about other women), she has fears and insecurities and sometimes she will lie to protect her own ego or yours and maybe she doesn't even know why. She is human, not an angel and not your personal love slave who exists for you and only for you. If the situation were reversed here, you would be assuring her that it doesn't matter. It is no more relevant than what she got for Christmas when she was a kid. It's the past and we all have a past. She is with YOU now for a reason. When you completely accept her as a person with good qualities and bad, then she will never need to lie to you again. If you want her to tell you the truth ALL THE TIME AND ABOUT EVERYTHING, you have to be the kind of guy that women can tell these things to. In other words you must become trustable. You do this by always telling the truth yourself, even when it's difficult and calmly facing the music. When you commit to living that way there will be no question about her wanting to do whatever you enjoy in the bedroom because she will be excited by whatever pleases you.

Now if you sleep with someone, you aren't married to, they start to get concerned with how many other people you have slept with. If you are willing to have sex with someone you aren't married to, will you feel the same way after you are married? You might not even know the person you are sleeping with but you start growing an emotional attachment to them. Many couples who really shouldn't be together are married because a pre-marital sexual relationship “bonded” them together when they wouldn't have bonded without being physically intimate. They even convince themselves, ”we’ll settle down one day but it’s too much fun at the moment.” While waiting to have sex until you are married is no rule to a lasting relationship, it will no doubt cause your mate to honor and respect you much more than if you didn't. A year of dating gives time for many emotions to surface and many idiosyncrasies to be discovered. Pre-approving one on appearance is similar to a bad credit approval. You may adore someone in the spring, but despise him or her in the winter. Asking someone for his or her hand in marriage on the third date isn't romantic. It’s so juvenile. And true love always waits... ‘Nuff said !

Love, marriage, sex. Let's keep them in that order.